Add all of the fucks you find but do not give…

FUCK THIS

FUCK THAT

FUCK HIM

FUCK HER

FUCK MONEY

FUCK SOCIETY

FUCK LOVE

FUCK LUST

FUCK AFFECTION

FUCK RIHANNA

FUCK LEBRON JAMES

FUCK YOUR FEELINGS

FUCK YOUR LIFE

FUCK YOUR “FRIENDS”

FUCK SCHOOL

FUCK WORK

FUCK YOUR THOUGHTS

FUCK THEIR THOUGHTS

FUCK YOUR OPINION

FUCK YOUR ETHNICITY

FUCK YOUR MUSIC

FUCK YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT

FUCK YOUR DREAMS

FUCK YOUR TYPE

FUCK YOUR PREFERENCES

FUCK YOUR JORDANS

FUCK YOUR HYPEBEAST MENTALITY

FUCK YOUR NIKE ELITE SOCKS

FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND

FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND

FUCK THE THOUGHT OF ME GIVING A FUCK 

WAIT! *LOOKING FOR A FUCK TO GIVE*

…………………………………………

SORRY, CAN’T FIND IT

FUCK YOU ONCE AGAIN.

Life lessons

Everything in your past is there for a reason, and if you try to figure that reason out again because you forgot; it’ll be considered a mistake. Us human beings are not perfect, therefore we make mistakes, but the point of making mistakes are to never repeat them. Not repeating our mistakes and fully understanding them makes us one step closer to perfection… But, who doesn’t repeat and fully understands all of their mistakes anyway?

I just feel so stupid. I tried so hard, so fucking hard. And it got me no where. people tell me don’t think about it, easier said then done you stupid fuck! How can I move on when the smallest things reminds me of such a great loss? I hate when people ask me if I’m okay. I’m not going to be okay for a long ass time. Nobody is or will be able to fully understand me, simply because I can’t even fully understand myself. My feelings contradict each other, one moment I want to move on and try at least to be friends, but the next moment I’m reminded of how much I love her and how it would rip me apart inside-out to see her with someone else. I hate these feelings because I’m the only one feeling this way. I’m alone out here, I’ll always be alone out here and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m moving funny, thinking funny, feeling funny, all because of this. who would of known being heartbroken would hurt so fucking much? I’ve been having minor chest pains at random times, I don’t eat as much, I haven’t slept as much for a long time now. I’ve been feeling so useless, like I’m not worth anything I wish I was. I’m not ok, I won’t be for quite a while now going at this rate.

What a night…

When it comes down to it, my family and extended family loves me and they’re here for me. I left my house, into the hallway to think and finish a dreadful conversation and out comes my neighbor seeking answers behind my tears. So I told him everything and he sits next to me to talk.

My neighbor is an incredibly wise man. He told me “This may sound old and all but, If she’s the one, she’ll come back to you man. It’s gonna hurt like shit at the moment, but you gotta move on and try not to think about it. You’re a strong man, and stuff like this will only make you stronger.” then after he wiped my face he gave me $40 and told me “This weekend, find a party and fuck shit up!” lol 

My mom came to speak to me afterwards. She reminded me about the times when people broke her heart growing up, and told me what I used to tell her. “You’re amazing, it’s their loss, you were too good for them anyway.” Even though that made me more emotional it made me have a little confidence to move on. She also told me “I know how you feel, you feel like it’s your fault, you feel like you could of prevented this,  I know this because I’ve been here in your same position. It’s not your fault, and it’s inevitable, she made her decision and it may be hard but don’t beat yourself up over it.” 

My baby sister hugs me then pulls my mom’s hair, as bad as that sounds it made me chuckle. She’s awesome.

Last but not least my Uncle talks to me. We may not have had the best relationship growing up but he was the only legit male figure in my life so I respect him beyond anything. He says “Are you heartbroken?”, I just shake my head because I thought he would make a joke out of it. Then he says “You know what you should of said when she wanted to leave? …. FUCK IT! BYE!" I don’t have it in me to say that, ever. But atleast it made me legit laugh. 

In the end, I’ll be fine, one day. I still love her spite all that has happened. I hope she’s happy at the end of the day and she doesn’t regret her decision. Even though it hurts like fuck to say that. Since I never received answers I needed I guess I’m forced to continue to assume the worse… So good luck with whoever he is, he’s got a beautiful woman inside and out now, that’s a win for him, I take the L this time, but fuck it you can’t win them all.

I annoy you and you piss me off,

my concern pushes you away and your lack of concern pushes me away,

when it comes down to it neither of us are trying to make things better,

But…

you still have my heart in a headlock.

I wanna move past the problems.

I cherished the good times so much it’s difficult to remember the bad sometimes. 

I just hope you feel the same.

Flight Night (concert/party/photoshoot)

Flight Night was just what the Doctor ordered. It got my mind off of a ton of stuff going on in my life & revealed a shit load of stress. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while honestly. All of my boys killed their performances, and then the crowd was treated with a party. I pretty much photographed the entire event and that was cool, I got to do what I love to keep me busy and focused on positive things; overall it was a great night, pics are already uploaded on my facebook and photography tumblr but will be reblogged to here later today. 

My mind is a pretzel! -_-

Lately I’ve been questioning my future, I try to imagine it and nothing comes to mind. I don’t know what’s been going on with me. I feel like I’ve lost a shit load of ambition to succeed and I’ve been questioning my major in college. I feel like it may not be what I thought would benefit me in achieving my goal; which is to become the owner of my own clothing store/boutique. And out of all the classes that I have taken I found Economics to be the only useful class in providing some knowledge relevant to my goal. My reactions to all of my other classes are priceless though, Math: "How can finding the slope of this fucking line help me with my career?", English: "How the fuck does knowing the play Othello help me with my career?", Accounting: "What the fuck? I don’t care about the depreciating value of a car Louis bought for his business! I’ll hire someone to figure out shit like this for me!", Freshman seminar: "Ehh, this class is cool." But I don’t know, maybe I just need to research more about my career and find out what other majors besides Marketing can help me learn how to patent and sell a product (preferably clothing).  


Letter to Gia. (2,000th post)

Dear Giavanni Shane Farley

These past weeks have slowly but surely molded me into a happier, less stressed person. Truthfully, when we first met I had absolutely no idea I would grow to feel this way about you. You’re the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep, and you’re the first thing on my mind when I wake. Everyone I know is aware of your existence and how happy you make me. They all tell me how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life, and I’m thankful for you being in my life every single day.

Whenever I think of you my heart races and it’s difficult to feel anything other than pure joy. I smile through every text message sent and received between us. I still remain clueless about how you do it. But things like that fuel my ambition to become the perfect boyfriend. I plan on complementing you every chance I get, I plan on being there for you whenever you need me, I plan on supporting you in whatever you may need me to support you with, pretty much I plan on treating you exactly how you deserve to be treated, and that’s nothing less than a queen. 

I know you’ve had some horrible relationships in the past; I’ve had my fair share of those as well. I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff happening EVER again. I understand you’ve been through a lot, just remember you’re with me now, I can promise you that you won’t have to worry about a thing. I promise to always attempt to keep a smile on your face and only make you shed tears of joy.

You are everything I can ever ask for in a girlfriend. You’re beautiful, multi-talented, intelligent, fashionable, and determined to succeed. I love your smile, I love your eyes, I love your voice, I love your personality, and I love the little things you do. Like your “Kung Fu panda”, your soft voice, your reactions when I complement you, and many other things. They all contribute towards my recent happiness and stress-less days. I appreciate you for what you’ve done for me.

I don’t think anything will ever tear us apart, because for the first time in my life I feel that I’m with someone who I trust 100%. As if I don’t have to worry about the person I’m with doing anything to force us to split. I remember you once told me that you want to grow old with me; I hope that statement still stands, because as time passes my belief of that statement coming true grows.

Sincerely, Darien :)

Introduction to the instructor (Econ. 210 assignment)

I am whatever I choose to be, I love doing things that can help me express my emotions, since most of the time people tell me they cannot tell how I feel through my facial expressions or body language. Expressing myself in various forms of art helps me communicate with others in a way I cannot physically do. So I consider myself being a graphic designer, photographer, producer, and a poet in order to mentally and emotionally connect with people. One thing that few people know about me is that I am a deep thinker. I frequently blog about topics that seem to be relevant in our everyday lives such as life and love, I opinionate these topics to stimulate the minds of the readers and they are often able to relate or they may have a different opinion.

One of my latest blog entries is about our society, and which was inspired after watching a movie directed by John Singleton named “Higher Learning”. Although it took place at Columbus University in 1995, the message that the movie gives to the viewer sadly still relates to our lives today, no matter where you live, what background you belong to, what religion you practice, or what culture you follow. The message that the movie give to the viewer is about how our society as a whole, as in across the world is corrupt. Higher Learning uses the example of racism and implies that life is nothing but a game of chess. We are all ponds, we are all small and seem to be useless but we are capable of obtaining a higher status in society. Meanwhile the “the man” is the more important pieces to the game; they have more power and are able to determine the end of a game. Meaning we don’t live how we want to live, we live how the “the man” want us to live. You want proof? Here’s an example; Money. Money rules the world. Now how can small pieces of colored paper rule the world you may ask, well we all need money to survive, you need money for food, for shelter, for clothing, basically for the essentials you need to survive and more. But why is it that we need Money to obtain those essentials that we need to survive? Why can’t everyone just receive those essentials? The reason is because that is the way the “the man” want us to live. Even though today racism is weaker physically, it is stronger mentally, and even though “slavery” is over, we are all still slaves. Slaves to society, our minds, bodies, and souls are enslaved, and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you’ll make your move as a pond to escape the game of the life that our society has planned for us to live.

Another recent entry is about my love life. Someone asked me why am I single? So I decided to answer their question with an entire post saying “I believe I’m single because I choose to be single. I’m very picky when it comes to whom I choose to be in a relationship with. I mean, I wouldn’t say that I have high standards; I would consider them to be qualifications. As in things that I want in a girl, and if you don’t have them I’m not into you. Like I love women that have ambition, who’s driven to succeed, I love women with a sense of style, like if were walking somewhere together I want people to say to themselves “they look like they should be together”, and that’s straight off of the way we dress. I love women with great taste in music, so if I sing a line from a song, I expect you to know the next line. Basically I’m into personality, and if you don’t have that were not going anywhere, point blank. The girls anyone would typically see me go for are the fly girls, girls that wear high heels and blazers to class, but has a mean Jordan collection. Or a girl with incredible knowledge about something that I’m passionate about, like Music, Fashion, or Basketball. So to sum this all up, I’m single because I have yet to find a female that meets my qualifications.”

I blog in order to grasp my thoughts, emotions, dreams and aspirations. My dream is to become the CEO of my own company, and majoring in Business management/Marketing will provide me with the tools needed for me to obtain my dream. Becoming a Business management/Marketing major here at Mercy College has been the wisest decision I have ever made to invest in my future. I plan on owning a small clothing business, and then with great advertisement eventually expand my small business into a full blown franchise. I’ve been told running a business is all about taking great risks for even greater rewards, and every day I become more ambitious to do what I have to do in order to get that great reward.

THE TRUTH!

So I just got finished watching higher learning, directed by john singleton, this movie is hands down the most powerful movie I have ever seen. Although it took place at Columbus university in 1995, the message that the movie gives to the viewer sadly still relates to our lives today, no matter where you live, what background you belong to, what religion you practice, or what culture you follow. The message that the movie give to the viewer is about how our society as a whole, as in across the world is corrupt. Higher Learning uses the example of racism and implies that life is nothing but a game of chess. We are all ponds, we are all small and seem to be useless but we are capable of obtaining a higher status in society. Meanwhile the white men are the more important pieces to the game, they have more power and are able to determine the end of a game. Meaning we don’t live how we want to live, we live how the white men want us to live. You want proof? Here’s an example; Money. Money rules the world. Now how can small pieces of colored paper rule the world you may ask, well we all need money to survive, you need money for food, for shelter, for clothing, basically for the essentials you need to survive and more. But why is it that we need Money to obtain those essentials that we need to survive? Why can’t everyone just receive those essentials? The reason is because that is the way the white men want us to live. Now I say white men because of the fact that white men typically get everything they want. Also due to the fact that my African American ancestors had been they’re under they’re control for 439 years, and even though “slavery” is over, we are all still slaves. Slaves to society, our minds, bodies, and souls are enslaved, and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you’ll make your move as a pond to escape the game of the life that our society has planned for us to live.